false alarm. still invincible.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
