just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
