Just fell off a train. Bad.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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