super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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