my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
