i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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