Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
