The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize