I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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