my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
