Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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