ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
