shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
