listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
