Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
