my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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