fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Brb crying the tears of my youth
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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