I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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