Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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