a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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