U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
