i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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