I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
