if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life