I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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