you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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