im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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