Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
