I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
