I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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