I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
