Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
