A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
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