Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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