i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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