Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
