i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
