Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
