why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
