I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
