Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Randomize
