am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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