Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
