We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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