your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
