Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
