remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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