I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I woke up under a house in Key West
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
