I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
no you cant smoke seaweed
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
