If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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