She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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