I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
