I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
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She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
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Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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