dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Someone shattered a urinal.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
