Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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