oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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